In real time…….

I’m choosing to forgive myself today, on this blog.

I’m well aware not everyone is over the top like me -I’m an Aries 😎 However, I know for me personally; I have not truly forgiven someone or something without some kind of action that shows I’m letting it go. For example if I’m really ready to let something go, I might write down what is bothering me then I will flush it down the toilet or cut it up. One time my husband and I separated for awhile, I assumed we would never get back together so I threw a divorce party. I should add at the time of said divorce party we weren’t married 😑 I just felt I needed to do something to get over the break up. *Special shout out to my girls who were right there at my divorce party and right there celebrating us when we got married for real… WITH NO JUDGEMENT! Ya’ll the real MVPs.🫶🏾🙌🏾* Long story short, I have to actually do something for me to forgive. Today you will be reading my *do something to forgive*

Let me back up some……..

Many years ago; on a morning train commute to work, I felt it in my spirit to write a letter apologizing to the younger me. I don’t remember verbatim what the letter said {I have it on FB somewhere} However, the gist of the letter was the adult me {somewhere mid 30’s} apologizing for not loving her, believing in her, and pushing her more which resulted in a lot of self hate and self harm. A LOT OF MESS AND MISTAKES.

God had me on the train tapping into all emotions. I remember how hurt I felt for that little girl, I started crying uncontrollably right there on the train. Thankfully I’m from NYC seeing a woman hysterically crying on the train is a normal NYC MTA experience. Writing that letter gave me an opportunity to look back over my life through different eyes. I saw who that little girl could’ve been and how who I was that particular day stopped that. I started wanting even more to be better for her.

Having the desire of wanting to be better so badly, but doing nothing about it; started to take a mental toll on me. I would call myself everything but the child of God. I was so angry with myself for not doing right, I hated me and everything about me. I’m writing myself another letter, this time it’s a letter of forgiveness…….

Picture circa. 2003 age 22.

Dear Young Woman Kay,

I thought I would be starting this letter off with forgiveness, but as the words flow from my heart to my head, I see I need to ask you for forgiveness as well. I’m sorry I had not been gentler to you. I could have shown you more love and more grace, I was so angry with you. I thought you knew better and you just chose not to do better, but when I look back over everything you had no idea. You’ve always heard you can’t blame your environment for your mistakes, and you went on believing that.. Let me tell you something, YES THE HELL YOU CAN! If we would’ve never taking the time to really ask ourself why we do a lot of the things we do, we would’ve never seen the answers lies within our environment. Where we lived, what we saw, what we exposed ourselves to, what we consumed, how we behaved, our mindset, were all bi-products of our environment. Yes we can say we had the resources, we can also say we had a great community of family and friends who we were relying on to give us answers that they could not give. We were too embarrassed to go to God for our failures, concerns, pain, because we assumed we had to come to God with the mess cleaned up, all while God was waiting for us to give up the mess.

Today I not only forgive you for your mess; but I would ask that you forgive me for not showing you more grace. Obedience wasn’t your strongest suit, but the times you did let God lead, you will be surprised how much your words have helped push me each day. I show up every day for you because you thought you couldn’t. I’m giving everything to GOD because you didn’t trust him. I love on us because you didn’t know it wasn’t entirely your fault. I show up every day for the little and young woman within. Despite how you may have felt about us; you got us here! You kept fighting to get back up. I turned your struggle into a challenge I plan to conquer every day GOD gives me breath.

I forgive you for your mess and I thank GOD for the breadcrumbs you left. I got us from here… and I promise I’m going to make us proud. 🫶🏾